I always “believed” in tact. I know what it is like to be called fake, dishonest, or any other label. know the feeling of making you have read what someone wants from you with no clear communication and obsess over what you have possibly done wrong.
And 40% of my interactions with people have had a high risk of torning the both of us up, and sometimes even more.
Tact is not dishonesty; that is different. It is not a “white lie” either (although there is overlap). Tact, in my perspective, is a way of conveying messages with an awareness of our own faults and merits, and emotionally balanced energy.
I find myself quite sensitive to rejection especially when done so in an upfront, brief way. Most dysfunctional families stem from a mix of abuse and lack of communication and quality bonding (intimacy issues) – and also some marital problems.
The best way to communicate verbally on my own behalf is honestly, but not in an aggressively straightforward way. Leave the space open for consideration. You can do it straightforward, but I can’t just tell you to scram off except if I’m threatened physically.
Sometimes people turn me down for any number of reasons, and they don’t warn me. They just do it. Maybe they are too scared to be ridiculed, their limits breached, or disrespected if they show the slightest “kindness” in their affirmation and have lost all patience;
They just send me to the door with no explanation. No second chances. I have not been given many second chances in my life by angry people. Or maybe yes. Who knows exactly how many?
And it makes me angrier, distrustful, and paranoid.
Yes, I am responsible for my emotions. Assuming you are responsible for people’s states can equate to the vice-versa: that they ought to be responsible for yours, your joy, your sadness, everything you feel or think of life. And it creates blame and codependent patterns.
For instance, you could use a “next time, remember to avoid doing that thing because it compromises what I do or work for“.
I really love when someone thinks of those little things. I feel respected and heard and I don’t have to make the person alter or lie about their true intentions, motives, feelings and thoughts. I don’t have to remain extra paranoid and mildly vindictive for a day.
Not to be a mommy/dad (expect if it’s your child), compliant or a rug, but simply as a principle of tactfulness.
I have the abstract feeling that people tend to react acutely when they “find out something hidden”.
As if I had blood on my hands.
You would not tell a narcissistic person exactly that they are narcissistic, right? We can be hypnotized to do defamatory statements before even healthy negotiation happens. I hear from my clients that calling out people so bluntly only worsens their targeting.
Part of tact is allowing someone to go at their pace and not overwhelm their mind with too much information that may throw them off balance fast, particularly in respect to how they function. It is also why some words such as victim, or spineless, can trigger a lot of people – there are situations where they could use the argument that “you’d react the same if you were tin their shoes”.
Tact is also knowing you don’t have to feel guilty for things you say but still acknowledge your energies. I do not enjoy the use of the negativized word “guilty” for “accounted”. It’s on Earth a part of why people avoid responsibility.
But tact can become obsessive when you base it on the fear of being reprimanded. You stumble on every word or half sentence, making sure it is right and has the least offensive risk and sounds the most delicate or non-harsh possible. I feel like that with many people. And that’s part of why I have a problem with poor hospitality. Hospitality and tact are similar energies.
Tact is also allowing people to feel.. they have the right to open up and be vulnerable, and see the whole picture of things.
The biggest factor of tact is when you presumably honor and respect your own needs and want to have the right to be vulnerable and authentic with yourself and others; and still able to communicate with pre-observation and consideration, without self-sabotage for talking or being you. You want to feel like you can “anytime” speak your truth without walking on eggs or a minefield, and humanly welcomed and make the other feel human and honored even if you resent them to the abyss.
Tact recognizes the being and the message as a whole.
No, it’s not “sugarcoating”.
Sugarcoating is the fearful insecure twin of tact – when you FEAR – become very ritualistic and insecure over how you present yourself or speak, and lie to people about important facts or perspectives that could help them.
It is a very downer feeling for me to strut and walk on eggshells. It worsens the stress hormones and tends to generalize in social paranoia.
True tact is love-based.
Tact also doesn’t react angrily or with fear. It innerstands that the other fears reactions, and only wants honesty with love and wisdom with power.
It is not easy to 100% describe my vision of tact.
However, they do NOT imply allowing yourself to be used or being submissive because you feel “bad”. This is sugarcoating, too. They are just more balanced communication methods. Or, the art of it. Not “king’s servant” speech, not “deceptive politician speech”, nor “Aspie level honesty” speech. just, balanced.
Sometimes you just have to stop telling these 1st graders Santa is unreal and allow the experience of graceful divine process unfold by itself.
Of course.. you do not fully know the being firstly.
This Art is really a “from experience” thing. Wait until they show interest in knowing. It’s not easy to fully see where and when for anyone but it’s an art and that’s why.
Examples of poor tact:
“No one likes a whining brat. Stop being so negative!” (my favorite ego injury.. it hurts me real)
“Stop trying to be better than me!”
“You’re not mature”
“You have been the worst students I ever had in my life!!”
“You’re fake”
“One day, you’ll regret what you did”
“What if I die tomorrow?” (classic one of abusive parents)
I also had this experience for a long time. I empower myself by using tact but with honesty. Yes there are ways.
Not everyone has keen social awareness either, emotional empathy, or agile mouths. Seeing this is also part of tact and empathy.
Words hurt, even if you don’t mean to. They do. They are energy. Use them wisely. And there’s also the personalizing issue but this is another topic soon to be looked upon. But also there’s a point where you have to stop obsessing on not offending the person. Just let it be. Letting them do their meltdown is part of tact as well.
I abhor this practice of “call out culture”. Some things need to be dealt with in private and not used to influence your ego with drama fuel and self-righteousness. Verbal language is limiting.
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